Listening to: The sound of my fingers tapping the keys computer.
Reading: Things on tumblr
Watching: How I Met Your Mother
Playing: With Story Ideas
Being unable to sleep due to stress, getting everything ready for a puppy and trying to deal with the fact that I am having urges to self harm. It's not easy, everything is bearing down on me and I don't always have the strongest will in the universe.
Which is why I am happy that I have someone here to keep me grounded.
David and I got back together, everything that's happened over the course of a few weeks has helped me see I was running from everything good. What can help me.
We're both trying to work through our problems. He's growing as a person and helping me with my problems. Even going so far as to delve into my interests. Which is nice.
Sometimes we have disagreements, but we don't argue like we used to. We communicate like adults. Which is good. He wants us to be open, hide nothing from each other.
Due to my mental issues, he gets nervous leaving me alone. He doesn't want to come home and see my wrists slashed up. He cares, which is why he hooked a web cam up to his laptop and keeps it on during the day. Sounds creepy, but it gives me comfort and he doesn't like knowing I might slip up.
Even his Mother checks in on me, just to make sure I'm alright.
I was able to get my Kunai and the knife he gave me for Yule back. He can trust me with sharp objects again. He's wary, but understandably so. Relapsing wouldn't be good for me.
But I'm stronger than before. I know some people don't like...Onision. But one of his videos gave me a little push to quit cutting. I know some people do it as a release...but I can't do it anymore. What if I slip up and cut a tendon or make it so I don't have the use of one of my arms...
I wouldn't want to live knowing I can't write.
I haven't cut in weeks, which is a good thing. It's not good to go back to bad habits. So much has happened to show me that life is worth living. Hard as it can be, I have to keep pushing towards my goals.
However, earlier in the week something happened that made me snap. As it was, I was on rocky ground due to me missing a dose of my medication.
My little sister was getting ready to move back up north. She wanted to go up there and be with family. Better environment to raise her son. Which I don't think was a bad idea. But she left...without telling me. She has all my contact information. Facebook, phone number...and she knows where I live.
But I didn't get a damn thing. I find out on facebook...that she's already left. Which hurt like hell. I didn't get to say goodbye to my nephew or her. However, what added to the already ache...was my own Mother's harsh words...
"You are the hope of the family. I love you so much. I've always had high hopes for you. I am so proud of you. I love you, Ruby. Be safe!"
....Basically on a status...she trashed my me and my other sister Michelle. I sat there at 2 in the morning, staring at those words. I didn't cry...I mean, how could I?
I felt numb. It was the final straw. She'd always had issues with me...but to openly say something like that on facebook...where everyone could read it...
I cut ties with her and my sisters.
David's proven to be more family than anyone. He's my rock. Always here to help me. Even going so far as to hold me while I cry. That's more than I can ever say for my Mother.
Thanks Mom...really nice to know how you feel. Glad that was the last thing you ever said. Considering I was the one that held you while you cried...after the power in our house was cut off because your druggy boyfriend stole the rent to go buy crack.
But yeah...I'm the Black Sheep of the family.